Eau de Toilette

Eau de Toilette

Totally Quackers at the Serpentine
Sat, 09 Dec 2017, Serpentine

The Impervious Winter Series

A completely Quackers Saturday, and do I hear you say "Cor, more rants, on the website, is there no end to it? We just want the race results." Shortly, but first, the news.

It's great to see cormorants at the Serpentine again. The question is this, when they extend their wings in standing position, are they preening and oiling their feathers, or, are they expanding the diaphragm to allow for ease of digestion of the lovely fishlife from the Serpentine waters? This is not a question you can duck.

And if you think that is a quackery question, when was the last time you visited the Serpentine Sackler Gallery as they have gone totally quackers exhibiting Rose Wylie's complete quackery on swimming and other stuff? Not that Serpentine Swimming Club doesn't have it's own Wily Rose who loves exhibiting herself.

While exiting through the gift shop, I see they sell "Serpentine - Eau de toilette" as all French students know,  'eau de toilette' is a Baroque Parisian phrase for "I'm ambivalent about personal hygiene"

Or as Jamais Snorting, a local wag suggested, "the toilet water in question is designed by Tracey Emin, which explains why the smell eminating [sic-k] from the Serpentine is not so much beaucoup lake but Tres sea?" Yes darling, like the water, that line has been passed by seven people.

Anyway, back to the Serpentine we swim in, which once upon a time had a certain eau de toilet of its own, but the draining of the Serpentine in 1869 fixed that problem. Indeed, the Serpentine has a magic of it's own, if only that undefinable essence could bottled. We could then sell it for £55 a bottle. Must see if "Tant Pis" is copyrighted...

Back to the quacks, of which many frequent the Serpentine. Mallards, ladies and gentlemen, do these cormorants suggest that the waters are becoming cleaner or is that too fishy a theory? We could discuss over lunch at the Orangery in Kensington Gardens, where they might serve a nice duck a l'orange.

And swimming news; just two Saturdays remain to decide who will be the winner of the long running winter series. To win the series, you need to be impervious like a duck and just show up every Saturday and swim as fast as you can without being ruffled by other swimmers who bang into you. And after the 2017 result is finalised, we can all shift our focus to our Christmas Quackers. 

If that doesn't fit the bill, remember we have our Xmas party this Saturday coming. Christmas Quackers everywhere. 

It's Saturday bath night, I'm off. 

Yours swimmingly

Text John Tierney

Photos: Mike Aitch.